"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But, honey, you haven't got
an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right
now."

Brief pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and ran
around screaming Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared, and
he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit
the bottom of the pool, and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . .
Is this 486-5731?

A masked gunman goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."

She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."

He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."

She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."

After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.

He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Nun is playing football with priest. She's goalkeeping and he shoots :
- FUCK! what a miss...
Nun says:
- stop swearing father, or god will punish you with the lightning.
Priest shoots again :
- FUCK! what a miss...
Nun :
- father... i told you something.
Priest shoots for the 3rd time :
- FUCK! what a miss...
Lightning strikes from heaven, nun lies dead and voice comes from heaven :
- FUCK! what a miss...

One night a 16 year old boy got home from beeing out and proudly told his father that he had done it, he had just lost his virginity!

His father, who were very happy for his sons sake, congratulated him and took out 2 beers out of the fridge and told him: "Son, I'm very proud of you, you have now become a man so let's talk about it, tell me everything!"

His son looked up at him and said: "There is only one thing I wanna know.. When will my butt stop to hurt?"

Theres a guy at a bar and asks for 6 beers, the bartender serves him but hes curious so he ask:

Bartender: Sorry to ask... But why the hell are you drinking 6 beers?!?!?!?!
Guy: Well... its simple. I'm celebrating my first blow job!!
Bartender: My congratulations, allow me to offer you 1 on the house!
Guy: No thanks... If 6 won't take the taste outta my mouth it won't be a 7...