(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); I don't care if you think you've had it tougher, I really don't.

This weekend I was at a tournament in Sanford with my soccer team. I'm a goalkeeper. During our third game, with around fifteen minutes left in the second half, the other team played a ball through my back line into my eighteen (the huge box around a goal for all you non-soccer fans). I was on my six at the time (the smaller box...) and I came out for it to meet the striker running onto the ball. I'm pretty athletic, so I managed to beat him to the ball with about three seconds to spare.

The proper technique to collecting incoming through balls is to run out to it and slide towards it and put your feet up about a half an inch above the ground to protect yourself. Unfortunately, I didn't get my feet up in time for it and the player ran through me. I got hit. Hard. Where, you ask? My left nut. Now, I'm sure you're all familliar with getting hit in the balls and the breathless sensation that comes with it. That was the first part that hit me, followed by the minutes of my appendix throbbing as well as my stomach lurching. The worst part was that I had to play the rest of the game only to make three more saves (two of which I had to dive for... thus exposing my poor busted ball.)

It's been hurting ever since, although I can walk fairly well now. It even hurts now that I'm sitting here typing it. About thirty minutes ago, I went to the bathroom to pee. I accidentally bumped my poor coinpurse and I was overwhelmed with pain. I sat down and took a moment to examine and I noticed the side of my balls that had been hit was black. Yeah, it bruised.

So, anyone else ever bruised a testicle? Who else didn't think it was possible?

Dude, I'd be fucking stoked if I was sterile.

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