(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Seeking a raise:

I,the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I work head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from People & Quality:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the order of the management team
* You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't wait till pension age before retiring
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.


DEFINITELY:



A Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'efinitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange."

The second little boy says"Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK. Then I DEFINITELY shit my pants."


Top Ten Men:

1. The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

6. The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."

7. The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em"

8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice.



Dad Is Dumb:

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had breasts bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are ... the dumber the person is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are ... the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.

He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."




30 'Little' Lines:

Girls, ever have to utter one of these lines?

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it s cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It ' s OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. Only if you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So, this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.



If Only There Was Toilet Paper:

Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom and she said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny, and there was no toilet paper so he used his hand.

When he got back to class, his Teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principals office and the Principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

So, Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to his room and told to stay there till his Dad came home. His dad came home, went upstairs and said to Little Johnny, "What do you have in your hand?"

So again Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he get scared away."

Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hand!"

Little Johnny opened his hand and said, "Look Dad you scared the shit out of him!"

Ahahahahahaa. Funny shit. Literally.

Lolll the little johnny toilet paper one was hilarious xD