(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Hello, my name is [name], and the subject that I chose for this essay is “How to achieve the career that one desires”.

What does achieve mean; means to achieve? Achieve, according to the Webster’s New World College Dictionary, copyright 2001, on pg. 11, achieve means to bring a successful end; carry through; accomplish to get or attain by effort; gain; obtain; to bring an intended result; accomplish some purpose or effect.

So, for one to achieve the career that one desires, one must accomplish what is necessary to achieve that career that one is desiring to obtain. If one wants that career that one desires, you must work as hard as possible to obtain that career, because, if one does not, one may not get said career. To achieve said career, you should not let another person tell you that you cannot achieve said career -- for to achieve said career, means to accomplish or obtain by effort. Also, to obtain said career, one must not only have physical energy to obtain said career, but mental energy; for as one that is ready physically for said career, one must also be ready mentally for said career. No matter what it takes, you must work as hard as possible to achieve the career that one desires; thus, if one works hard enough, one can achieve said career.

If you were writing a speech for some weird motivational conference, I'm sure that would be fine. However, if I were you, I'd keep your hook shorter, and maybe make it seem less mystifying by simplifying your tone just a tad bit, you sound like one of those creepy guys in movies.

Here are just a few specifics, although I found many more:

The second part is completely unnecessary.



We already established the career is desired by using the word "that", so saying "that one desires" is unnecessary.


All in all, I'd say that it really doesn't bring up any new or intelligent points, so the content as a whole is a bit flawed. I'd also say that many of the times you use the word "that" you really need to use the word "the".

Write in a more cheery and more scholarly term, as opposed to writing a speech someone might read to a cult.

Yeah... thanks. I'll probably add more since it seems too short.

Don't start it with "Hello my name is". Otherwise it's good.

"What does achieve mean; means to achieve? Achieve, according to the Webster’s New World College Dictionary, copyright 2001, on pg. 11, "

Could be condensed to: "What does it mean to achieve? By definition..."

Also, cut down to only one or two short and concise definitions.

you shouldnt quote the dicitionary, instead you should dervie your own definition to show what you think to 'achieve' is

After reading past the first paragraph, you use "one", "you" and "said career" way too much. Vary up your vocabulary a bit.