(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Last night, I had an awakening...a near death experience, if you will. It changed my entire outlook on life and made me appreciate the things I so often take for granted. My story starts at about 11 PM last night. I was on Facebook as usual...talking to my good friends. I had been procrastinating something very important for awhile...something that needed to be done. I had to shit. But not just any kind of shit...this boulder had been building up for at least a week now, maybe more, but all I know is I could not hold it in any longer without some serious consequences. I excused myself to go do my business. As I entered the bathroom, I was struck with horrible cramps. And when I say horrible, I mean HORRIBLE. I literally thought I was going to die. I fell to the floor from the pain and curled up in a fetal position. The room started to spin and I thought I was going to lose consciousness. "No Wyatt...you can make it..the toilet is only 5 feet away". I mustered up all the strength I had left and crawled like a wounded solider to the toilet. Once I had managed to prop myself on the toilet....another wave of cramps came pouring in on me with the fury of 20 ocean waves knocking me off my feet. I let out a cry and clung to the toilet seat. This thing had to come out...and I would do anything to make sure it did. I inhaled slowly..and with one giant push, I put all my might and energy into releasing this mountain of shit that had built up inside of me. I pushed, and pushed...but all I got was lightheaded and winded...without one centimeter towards success. It's as if, then and there....the turd started to taunt me from my rectum. "Haha, you can't pass me!". That's when I got angry. This sucker was coming out one way or another. I grabbed a tub of vasoline that was on the sink counter next to me. I swear I used about half a bottle but this thing needed some lube and leeway and if I had anything to do with it that sucker was gonna come out full speed ahead. Well, once I was all "lubed up" so to speak...I gave it another try. One...two...three...RELEASE! I pushed and strained, and amongst a release of machine gun like farts, I felt this turd move an inch more towards my rectum. The pain was so intense and unbearable...I was ready to call an obstetrician.
I suddenly saw my entire life flash before my eyes...the good and the bad...all there before me. I thought I was going to die. I quickly grabbed a piece of toilet paper and began to write my will. I could see the newspaper headlines tomorrow reading "Person dies trying to hatch monster loaf!". It was all I could do not to cry.
With another push, came another 2 inches....the ol' anal opening was about to rip. I thought about how, if I survived this, I would probably need stitches. So there I was, sitting on the toilet clinging to the sides like my life depended on it. Blood shot veins clouded my eyes and I felt myself break out into a sweat. Out of breath...I cried out for help...but no one was home.

I mustered up all the strength I had left [and believe me, it wasn't much] and in one final, desperate attempt to exorcise this turd from my ass....I pushed, and pushed...sweat pouring down my forehead, the room spinning, and unbearable pain as this boulder ripped through my anus and into the toilet. It hit the toilet water with such force I could of dropped a watermelon from 6 feet high into the toilet and got the same results. The splash back shocked me back into reality...and I sat there...laid my head in my hands, and began to cry. I had made it...I had survived. And here I am today folks..telling you my heroic story of courage and perseverance.

My only obstacle to face now is how do I flush this thing without doing serious damage to the pipes..