My old thread got closed, so I have removed the potentially offensive jokes.


three women are stuck on an desert island. Two are brunet, and one is blonde. Sudenly a genie appears, and grants each of them one wish.
The first burnet says "i want a boat so i can go back to my country", so a boat appears and she sets off.
The second brunets says "i want a plane so i can fly back to my country", and a plane appears and she flys off.
Then the genie relises that the blone women is crying. so the genie asked "whats the matter?" and the blonde women replies "i want my friends back"

-note: this isn't offensive to blondes, she just wan't her friends back lmao. :p




An english man, an irishman and a scotsman went to a bar. Suddenly the english mans hat started vibrating "what the hell?" the bartender said "oh, its the newest tecnology from america - a phonehat!" said the englishman. Next the scotsmans shoe starts bleeping "what the hell?" said the bartender "oh a laptop shoe, its the newest tecnology from america" he siad - meanwhile the irishman went to the toilet and when he came back he had a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse and said " wouldnt you belive it ive got a fax!"





There are four people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman. It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek. The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him" The pretty young blonde thinks "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him" The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"
The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again"

-No offense to french, just an ironic situation. :p




A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'





a drunk man having a bit to much to drink and got up and said ''all lywers are assholes''
another man accross the bar says '' i resent that''
the first man then said'' why are you a lywer?''
the second man replide'' no im an asshole''




A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."




Student: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Student: good, because i didn't do my homework.




Theres an irish man, a scottich man and an english man.
They're all interested in a property called 'wiston wuloo' so they agree the englich man should go and see what he thinks about it first. He goes in and theres a 50 pound note, he goes to grab it but a voice says "I am the ghost of wison wuloo, take the money and I'll kill you" the english man screams and runs away! So the irish man goes in next and sees the money then hears a voice saying "i am the ghost of wiston wuloo, take the money and i'll kill you" so the guy runs away screaming! Next the Scottish man goes in and sees the money followed by a boice saying "i am the ghost of wiston wuloo, take the money and i'll kill you" so the scottish man says "i am the ghost of daffy duck, ill take the money and run like f**k!"




A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Note to moderator's: this isn't a racism joke, it's a random man that get's the three chinese tortures .



-Freak.
You have to love the last joke, that has to be the funiest joke yet.

If you have any problems with the above jokes, please post here I am very anti-flamming, so if you are offended, please give a post with a reason, I'll consider taking it down.

Don't take jokes seriously, I'm a big lad, I find jokes my mates tell me about myself funny as f#ck, lighten up .

+Rep, thanks and nom. Hope you had a good laugh!