Anelka reveals Vieira bust-up

In his stunning autobiography, due for publication later this month, Chelsea's former Arsenal hitman Nicolas Anelka has revealed details of an extraordinary bust up with Patrick Vieira while the pair were with the Gunners.

Astutely timed as to coincide with the start of the new season, Anelka's story is set to be serialised in the Guardian in the coming weeks, but passages from the book have already leaked.

One of the main targets of Anelka's wrath is former Arsenal captain and current Inter midfield general Patrick Vieira. Last season's Premier League top scorer claims sensationally that Vieira's bullying and dressing room humiliation were what forced him out of the North London club, where he was enjoying a successful spell.

Following a league game against Fulham in which Anelka missed an open goal he had an altercation with Vieira in the dressing room afterwards, and this prompted his exit.

The Inter man was known at the club as 'Le Long' due to the size of his manhood. Anelka discovered this first hand, and describes the post-game hiatus following the Fulham fixture.

"Vieira gave me a glare and I knew I was in trouble, afterwards in the showers he tore into me and I just snapped, I knew I shouldn’t have, but I called him a ‘lanky limbed boombaclart.’

At first he just stared at me with his hollow eyes. Then…..WHAM!Just like that he slapped me across the face with his penis.

Just once. But it knocked me back a few steps. It was like being struck by a wet kipper. No one could believe what they saw

Wenger slams Nicolas Anelka’s autobiography

Arsene Wenger took time out of his busy pre match schedule to address the hyperbole surrounding the imminent release of Nicolas Anelka’s new autobiography “It’s not me. It’s everyone else.”

As reported earlier this week the Guardian have serialised excerpts of the book where Anelka claims he was hounded out of Arsenal by the bully boy tactics of Patrick Vieira and that he was assaulted in the Arsenal dressing room. An accusation which Wenger was keen to down play.

“There are elements of truth to the story,” stated Wenger, holding his hands up, “I’ll be straight with you, Vieira’s meat cleaver is pretty big. Huge in fact. I doubt a giraffe could deep throat him. I don’t think I can exaggerate it enough to be honest.”

So is there any merit to the accusation that Vieira hit Anelka with it after the Fulham game?

“Well that thing had a life of it’s own,” said the Professor, shifting uneasily in his seat, “I mean, people don’t appreciate what a burden it was for the poor guy, we had to put a sign up in the showers saying Vieira couldn’t walk around naked. Which was pretty hard to enforce but was necessary. If something caught his attention he could turn suddenly and WHACK he’d clock something with it, break some furnishings or knock a dwarf out. That sort of thing. Overmars was out for two weeks once with a dead leg like that. We had to tell the press he did it in training. It was a nightmare.”

So did Vieira intentionally strike Anelka? Or was Arsene evading the question to protect his former captain?

“Well let’s put it like this. I think if he intentionally struck Anelka round the face with it, and really followed through, then he wouldn’t be around to write an autobiography. If you catch my drift. Unless he wrote it in a Stephen Hawkins, one button at a time with his nose, sort of way. So yeah it was an accident and Anelka should grow up. And that’s the last I’m saying on Penis Gate.”