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Here are some of my favorites: 
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter.
When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you.
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring. (So true)
Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
I miss you like a retard misses the point.
You know you have a small apartment when Coco Pops echo.
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.
Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.
If your name was homework, I would be doing you on my desk right now.
Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
Coffee just isn't my cup of tea.
My all time favorite! :cool:
If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?
Anyway, I have loads more but I cba listing them all.
Hope you enjoyed.
Also, Feel free to post your own favorite quotes
Rep and Thank if you like.

^