Post: "Indecision" - Revision #2
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06-13-2010, 05:21 PM
#1
eDeityy
NGU's Resident Author
That being said, here's the latest and greatest revision:
Originally posted by Revision
Forbidden to speak, words landlocked by teeth,
eyes list apprehensively left and right; steps pound,
carving a trail into the tile beneath my feet.
Blankly, I breathe into the mirror, fogging up
the white canvas reflected by smooth glass.
Speechless, tied at the tongue by rubber
bands of steel elastic – never giving way.
I heave, air escapes my lips as my
pulse throbs in my temples, a ceaseless
beating of a treble drum.
Deep within the fibers of soft tissue secured
tightly into my skull, decisions are made.
I have the courage there, locked within my
wall of bone and conscious, but in my heart?
There, decision is a teeter-totter, never settling:
a needle swaying back and forth between a gauge:
“Willing” on the left, “Not Willing” to its side.
Like a teeter-totter, never settling on its fulcrum,
my heart sways with the wind. There are no choices.
Indecision, indecision, indecision…
plague me not.
After you've read that, read the first one. If there are any lines you like specifically or any changes in the second revision you didn't like, feel free to tell me. Here's the original:
Originally posted by Revision
Forbidden to speak, words landlocked by teeth,
eyes list apprehensively left and right, steps pound,
carving a trail into the tile beneath my feet.
A mirror reflects a blank wall, is that
more description than I could afford to give?
Breathless, speechless, tied at the tongue by
rubber bands of steel elastic – never giving in.
But, is it really my mouth that is suffering the difficulty,
or is it indecision? A pin spins back and forth between a gauge:
“Willing” rests to the left, “Not Willing” at its side.
This gauge is my heart, and that pin carelessly slides
like a teeter-totter, never settling on its fulcrum.
Indecision, indecision, indecision…
plague me not.
So, give me feedback!
06-16-2010, 12:02 PM
#5
Stub Hero
Laying low low low
Originally posted by Jesse
I appreciate it. Come on, kids, I know that someone besides these two here reads.
What level are you working at? I could give you like a checklist for gcse level poetry, but we didn't have to write poetry only read it, it would still help though.
Forget that I can't find it.
06-16-2010, 01:58 PM
#6
Caspa
Retired Mod
Yeah nice stuff man, I'd probably say “Willing” on the left, “Not Willing” to its side is the weakest line, purely because it's the most simple. I like the 'throbs' with 'treble drum'. You mention quite a few physical body parts, I reckon you could make them stand out more, something like:
but my feet know,
and my hands,
and the skin about my bones,
and the soft labouring of my lungs,
and the hot, white, inwards turning
anger of my eyes.
but my feet know,
and my hands,
and the skin about my bones,
and the soft labouring of my lungs,
and the hot, white, inwards turning
anger of my eyes.
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