Post: Accept Jesus Christ as Your Lord and Savior and Get a Free PlayStation 3!WTF??!!!
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07-27-2010, 09:55 AM
#1
Alekz
Banned
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Kids! Accept Jesus Christ as Your Lord and Savior and Get a Free PlayStation 3!
This brand new extended PlayStation 3 offer is for children and teenagers only! It may not be used in conjunction with any other Landover Baptist salvation offer.
Hey kids! If your Mom and Dad can't get you a PlayStation 3 for Christmas, you can still get one FOR FREE! Have you ever heard of Jesus Christ? Well, He's heard of you! And He wants you to have all the cool toys your parents are too cheap to buy! In fact, the Lord Jesus is very upset with your parents that they won't give you all the latest stuff that every kid in America deserves! And Jesus has got your back, because He is your homeboy! If you've never heard of Jesus, He is an invisible cloud-dwelling deity (infinite lives!) who loves you very much and wants nothing more than to give you a free PlayStation 3!
We here at Landover Baptist Church work full-time as servants of Jesus Christ, and He's told us about you and your predicament. He's also given us special instructions on how He wants us to deliver a new PlayStation 3 to your house. It's as easy as 1-2-3! Understand, Jesus cares WAY more about you than your parents EVER will! They will never love you as much as Jesus loves you! Always remember that. If you hate your parents because they can't get you a PlayStation 3 for Christmas, He completely understands! He is totally down with that! In fact, lucky for you, in order to follow Him, you are actually required to hate your parents!
"If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother...he cannot be my disciple." - The Lord Jesus Christ (Luke 14:26)
Pretty cool, huh? So, if you hate your parents, you are already halfway to becoming a True Christian™! Congratulations!
Here is what you need to do to get your free Play Station 3:
1. Tell Jesus that you hate your parents, and that you'd rather have Him for your Daddy. Ask Him to forgive your sins, and cover you with His blood (you'll see plenty of that splattered across your TV when you play your complimentary Grand Theft Auto 3 game!).
2. Find one of your Mom or Dad's credit cards (a blank check is even better!)
3. Call our church office and we will provide you with simple instructions on how to use your parents' credit card to charge a love offering over the phone. Don't worry if you can't find a credit card. We can teach you how to use one of your daddy's checks to do an automatic draft withdrawal (which will get you free shipping and an extra game disk!)
Please note: If your parents ask you where you got your new PlayStation 3, just tell them that your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, delivered it to you via the U.S. Postal Service in exchange for your soul.
Still NOT SURE? Here's More:[/U]
Landover Baptist's PlayStation 3 comes with a complimentary modified version of the popular PS2 disk, Tony Hawk's Underground. You can upload Jesus' face into the game and automatically unlock all of the cheat codes to "God Mode," so that Jesus can win every single level and perform incredible grab-tricks, spins, flips and stunts!
As a new Christian, you will want to share the good news of Jesus Christ with as many of your "peeps in the hood" as you can. The great thing about Tony Hawk's Underground is that you can actually get off of your skateboard and walk around in the game and talk to other skaters about the Plan of Salvation! And if they don't accept Jesus as their Personal Savior, you can kill them later. How cool is that!?
In addition, if you are interested in Christian computer games, Landover Baptist children use Bible-based-maps and characters in Unreal Tournament as part of their Christian Soldier training to help Jesus slaughter sinners in the final battle of Armageddon (which God willing, will happen during President George W. Bush's second term).
This Article is From Our New Book :
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I love this part:
Originally posted by another user
Here is what you need to do to get your free Play Station 3:
1. Tell Jesus that you hate your parents, and that you'd rather have Him for your Daddy. Ask Him to forgive your sins, and cover you with His blood (you'll see plenty of that splattered across your TV when you play your complimentary Grand Theft Auto 3 game!).
2. Find one of your Mom or Dad's credit cards (a blank check is even better!)
3. Call our church office and we will provide you with simple instructions on how to use your parents' credit card to charge a love offering over the phone. Don't worry if you can't find a credit card. We can teach you how to use one of your daddy's checks to do an automatic draft withdrawal (which will get you free shipping and an extra game disk!)
Please note: If your parents ask you where you got your new PlayStation 3, just tell them that your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, delivered it to you via the U.S. Postal Service in exchange for your soul.
1. Tell Jesus that you hate your parents, and that you'd rather have Him for your Daddy. Ask Him to forgive your sins, and cover you with His blood (you'll see plenty of that splattered across your TV when you play your complimentary Grand Theft Auto 3 game!).
2. Find one of your Mom or Dad's credit cards (a blank check is even better!)
3. Call our church office and we will provide you with simple instructions on how to use your parents' credit card to charge a love offering over the phone. Don't worry if you can't find a credit card. We can teach you how to use one of your daddy's checks to do an automatic draft withdrawal (which will get you free shipping and an extra game disk!)
Please note: If your parents ask you where you got your new PlayStation 3, just tell them that your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, delivered it to you via the U.S. Postal Service in exchange for your soul.
The following 19 users say thank you to Alekz for this useful post:
07-28-2010, 05:48 AM
#53
glitchplz
Samurai Poster
Pretty funny shit to be honest but this Chris Harper guy seems pretty whacked out.
Also check out the comments that they left themselves for Amazon sales of the book. [url]www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0446697583/landoverbaptist[/url]
Originally posted by another user
The site was created by Chris Harper, who obtained his Master's Degree in English Literature from George Mason University in 1993 after being expelled from Liberty University (founded by Jerry Falwell) in 1989 for producing a satirical radio show which Liberty's administration found offensive. Harper frequently appears at atheist conventions playing the character of "Pastor Deacon Fred Smith". The website is owned by a company called Americhrist, Ltd.
Originally posted by another user
The fictional Landover Baptist Church is a parody of fundamentalist, Independent Baptist churches and Biblical literalism.
Also check out the comments that they left themselves for Amazon sales of the book. [url]www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0446697583/landoverbaptist[/url]
Originally posted by another user
I've been an athiest for 10 years. I bought this book 2 weeks ago, and read it from cover to cover the first night!! I have now accepted Jesus as my personal Lord & savior thanks to Pastor Deacon Fred and Brother Harry Hardwick's tear jerking sermons.
My son, who is 14, took up the offer on page 3 to "Accept Jesus Christ as Your Personal Lord and Savior and Get a Free Playstation 3" promotion. He has been enjoying his Playstation, and his new friendship with Jesus, ever since.
Anyone wishing to get to know God on a much more personal basis should buy this book. I was so excited, I bought 5 more copies to give to local libraries, so generations to come can learn the TRUE gospel of Jesus Christ.
Enjoy.
My son, who is 14, took up the offer on page 3 to "Accept Jesus Christ as Your Personal Lord and Savior and Get a Free Playstation 3" promotion. He has been enjoying his Playstation, and his new friendship with Jesus, ever since.
Anyone wishing to get to know God on a much more personal basis should buy this book. I was so excited, I bought 5 more copies to give to local libraries, so generations to come can learn the TRUE gospel of Jesus Christ.
Enjoy.
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