The Mario franchise portrays a perfect world filled with bright colors, lovable characters, and cute little mushroom-skulled men skipping about. With over two-hundred million games sold, the world has seemingly bought into the illusion. But just because the world refuses to question Mario’s world, that doesn’t mean I won’t. The truth is, a lot of stones go unturned in the Mushroom Kingdom, and if you have the gall to ask a few questions, you’ll find out that it’s actually one ****ed up place.

Mario’s Drug-Usage

Mario has hardly any super powers that could establish him as a hero. So what does he do to continue being the icon he is today? What he has to do: he outsources. Mario is a PEM (Performance Enhancing Mushroom) chuggin’ machine, constantly drilling a mix of old and new fungi into his system. They make him faster, bigger, and stronger, and without them, Princess Peach would be receiving the Bowser Express every night. Do you honestly think baseball players like Alex Rodriguez are the reason so many young kids resort to steroids? No, it’s Mario who has been juicing since 1985. Just take a look at the updated Super Mario Galaxy logo:

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Encouraging steroid use isn’t the worst of it though. Mario also takes all different kinds of hallucinogenics to get him from point A to point B. Some of the plants he takes give him the abilities to wield fire, turn him into rocks,andr make him fly. Some even give him extra lives. Hell, Mario could just be imagining it all and we would never know. As for the negative side effects of ingesting all these drugs, just look what happened to Luigi.

Everyone talks about Grand Theft Auto’s effect on today’s youth. But let’s just wait until teenagers begin flying out of their windows believing they were unstoppable rainbow men who had a few 1ups to fall back on.

Mario is one huge stereotype

When people ask you to think of something Italian, Mario comes up rather quickly. This is despite the fact that Mario might be the most stereotypical character of all time. According to Nintendo, all Italians speakuh a little like a dees and love to “eats-a-pizza.” Mario possesses terribly broken English, a blue collar job that requires digging through shit-stained sewers, and a seemingly low intelligence level. Not the best portrayal of your standard Italian-American. Then again …

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Yet I digress. Imagine the reaction if an American developer created a Japanese character who said “Ret’s a go!” every time he jumped, or if a black character screamed “Imma gonna bring the pain train up in this hizzay!” every time he loaded a weapon. Oh, shit-

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Yoshi’s sexual reproduction process

Nintendo purposely designed Yoshi as a green, cute and cuddely dinosaur to guise the reality of what he truly is. Yoshi is the cross between a blood thirsty velociraptor and a sex-charged Xenomorph.

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If Mario is a perpetrator of genocide, then consider Yoshi the torturous instrument by which he commits mass murder. Death by Yoshi is a more painful form of execution than being burnt alive, crucified, and stabbed all at the same time. The process involves a victim’s body being eaten, digested, and fertilized in the time span of a second. Sure, from the outside it all looks like a quick and painless “poof,” but inside of this bastard of a dinosaur, a sickly conglomeration of organs, chemicals, and corpses is being formed.

And what’s the end product? An egg. Yes, this is how Yoshi asexually reproduces. His young needs the nourishment of a host body in order to grow within the egg, meaning that a rotting Goomba corpse is the source from which a Yoshi baby grows. But look at his wee little shoes. He’s so adorable!

Yes, in some versions of the games, Yoshi just encases him victims in an egg. Not so bad, right? Wrong, for that’s only half of the story. Yoshi’s next step is to fling the encased victim into the nearest hard object, vaporizing the poor Goomba into a pile of bits. Death by ingesting and obliteration: the Yoshi way.

The Goomba and Koopa Genocide

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Let me paint a picture for you.

It’s a beautiful Saturday afternoon. You’re a Goomba. Your abilities are limited to walking in straight lines due to your lack of limbs. Not many options. So you decide to take a harmless stroll in the Mushroom Kingdom fields. It’s healthy, relaxing, and keeps you out in the sun. What could possibly go wrong?

Well my friend, you just chose to get crushed to death. The beloved Mario slaughters hundreds of innocent Koopas and Goombas each day simply because they have the audacity to walk along the same path as him. You think he’s going to show you any mercy?

Goombas and Koopas are the faceless, innocuous victims of Mario’s hopping rampage. Sure, if Mario runs into them they’ll hurt him, but it doesn’t mean he should stomp them out because of it. Seriously, how threatening could this guy possibly be:

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Mario is a genocide committing bigot, treating handicapped Goombas and slow-moving Koopas like stepping stones. Paper Mario revealed that Goombas and Koopas all have families, so that means every time Mario obliterates a Goomba, a child celebrates the holidays without a parent. Mario is somewhat like the Grinch to Goombas, but instead of stealing all of Whoville’s presents, he asphyxiated all of their adults.

Yet you wonder why Goombas charge nowadays …

The Mushroom Kingdom is just a faux utopia

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Everyone just assumes Bowser is a villain because of his big sharp teeth and obsession with overtaking the seemingly utopian Mushroom Kingdom. But let’s look again at this perfect world before we put Bowser’s name down there with Stalin, Hitler, and the rest of mankind’s most infamous villains. The Mushroom Kingdom is …

a monarchy ran by one person …

a society filled with cloned civilians …

a world filled with colorful imagery designed to convey a sense of happiness …

a world where Magna Carta seemingly never existed ….

That’s the sound of George Orwell shitting himself. This isn’t paradise. This is a totalitarian state ran by a dictatorship. Princess Peach, the head monarch of this monster, is perhaps the most defunct leader of all-time. Quick: think of one decision she’s ever had to make that isn’t what flavor cake she has to make for today’s kidnapping reward. Can’t think of any? That’s because she hasn’t made a single one. Why would she when her entire population consists of mindless clones who worship her.

Only the rich leadership are allowed to play sports and games in their free time, while the rest are restricted to watching from the stands and working like sheep. And what do the rich eat in their free time? The decapitated skulls of their cloned civilians.

As for that big ol’ evil Bowser? Well, he’s a ****ing revolutionary.

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Backed with a personality and an untenable ego, Bowser is exactly what this mushroom-filled world needs. Too bad he’s too damn inept to actually make any revolutionary grounds …

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