Post: News Headlines Pisstake
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09-22-2010, 07:23 PM
#1
Quantum_
Como is my GOD!
1. BBC News: Verdict on toddler's pool death.
Revealed he died of suffocation after he got his head stuck down the middle pocket.
2. BBC News: "Man jailed for killing hamster 'Suzie' in microwave"...
..."A post-mortem examination showed Suzie had been exposed to microwave radiation."
No shit, that generally happens when you put something in the mircowave.
3. [Only British will understand this] BBC NEWS: Man jailed for killing hamster.
**** me he could have reloaded and took out Clarkson and May aswell
4. BBC News: "Cheques to be phased out by 2018." ****ing hell, not again.
Hitler tried that in 1939.
5. BBC News: "British student dies two weeks after falling from a balcony in Majorca."
****, how high was that balcony!?
6. BBC News: "Two pedestrians die in collision."
****, how fast must they have been walking?
7. BBC News: "Dragons' Den star James Caan has called on people to donate more aid for the victims of Pakistan's floods."
An interesting pitch, James, but I'm not sure I'm ever going to see a return on my investment, so I wish you the best of luck with it, but... I'm OUT.
8. BBC News: "Auschwitz death camp sign stolen." OK, so I nicked it...
...but it'll look great on my oven door.
9. BBC News: 'Plus size women worth £10bn to the fashion industry'
Nothing compared to what they're worth to the food industry...
10. BBC News: "A driver who drove his Rolls-Royce into a Tesco supermarket in Hampshire has been jailed. Apparently, "he had a grudge against the shop over a failed delivery of a mattress."
Americans use guns, the Middle-East uses bombs and the Far East uses knives. But the British, we use Rolls-Royces for retaliatory purposes. It's this sort of class act that makes Britian great.
11. BBC News: "Size 16 girl in Miss England final."
Sounds more like Miss Whales to me.
12. BBC News: "Man lucky to be alive after being hit by train."
I think I'm luckier, I've never been hit by a train.
13. BBC News: "Beckham spends weekend in Brooklyn."
..Hang on
14. BBC news, "Most overdue library book".
Let me guess, the one about suicide.
15. BBC News: "Five paintings by Picasso, Matisse and other great artists have been stolen from the Museum of Modern Art in Paris"
Telegraph.co.uk: "Liverpool Picasso Exhibition Unveiled"
Coincidence?
16. BBC News: "US military to attack future computers"
The US Military can't even find a guy with a tea towel on his head who lives in a cave. What chance have they got against computers from the future?!
17. BBC news: "Archaeologists reveal the correct location of the Battle of Bosworth."
Bosworth.
18. BBC News reads: "Girl, 12, found stabbed to death"
Teach her for not forwarding on the chain mail.
19. BBC News: Pope compares atheists with Nazis
How would he know? He's never been an atheist.
20. Yahoo News: "US missile kills 12 in Pakistan"
Missile? Surely they mean torpedo...
IF IT GEYS ALOT OF INTEREST THERES MORE TO COME!
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