Post: Jokes!
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10-07-2010, 04:05 PM
#1
Dabbi
THE ICELANDIC MAN
Please Thank and Nominate if you liked it
Enjoy
Dabbi.
[multipage=Kids Jokes]
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.
Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.
Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll
Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!!
Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.
Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!
Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!
Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!
Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station!
Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.
Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.
Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!
Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.
[multipage=Music Jokes.]
Q. What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A. The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
Q. Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
A. They've had so little use.
Q. Why is a conductor like a condom?
A. It's safer with one, but more fun without.
Q. What's the difference between God and a conductor?
A. God knows He's not a conductor.
Q. What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A. The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
Q. What's a bassoon good for?
A. Kindling for an accordion fire.
Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A. Give him some sheet music.
Q. What's a guy that hangs out with musicians called?
A. A drummer.
Q. How can you tell when a drummer is sitting up straight?
A. He dribbles out of both sides of his mouth!
Q. What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A. You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q. Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A. Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.
Q. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A. He doesn't know when to come in.
Q. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A. "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."
Q. How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What is the range of a piccolo?
A. Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.
Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
A. When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.
Q. What's the difference between a pizza and a drummer?
A. A pizza can feed a family of four.
Q. If a drummer and a bass guitarist caught a cab, which one would be the musician?
A. The cab driver.
Q. Why are so many violists dating drummers?
A. It makes them feel superior.
Q. What's the difference between a sax player and a lawn mower?
A. One cuts grass and the other smokes it.
Q. What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end to the moon and back?
A. Leave them there.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. Which is better: electric guitar or harmonica?
A. Electric guitar. You can't beat a harmonica player to death with a harmonica.
Q. What do violists and Mike Tyson have in common?
A. They both are hard on ears.
Q. Why is intermission only 20 minutes long?
A. So that the cellists don't have to be retrained.
Q. Why are harps like elderly parents?
A. They're both unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.
[multipage=Blonde Jokes]
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."
There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"
A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"
There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.
There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"
A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"
Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"
A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."
The cashier leaned over the counter and said:
"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"
What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde?
A rooster says cock-le-dood-le-doo...
A blonde says any-cock-le-doo...
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.
A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....
Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"
Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."
Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."
At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.
Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."
Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".[/COLOR]
Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.
There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"
A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that **** ages to finish that fence.'"
[multipage=Mommy Mommy!]
Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm? I don't know dear, ask your father.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac? Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff? Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! The milk man's here; Have you got the money or should I go out and play?
Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running? Shut up and reload.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street! Shut up and step on the gas!
Come upstairs, son, like a good boy. No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again.
Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts! Shut up and get away from the dart board!
Mommy, Mommy! Where did your scabs go? Shut up and eat your corn flakes!
Mommy, Mommy! It's dark down here! Shut up or I'll flush it again!
Mommy, Mommy! I'm getting dizzy. Shut up or I'll nail your other foot down!
Mommy, Mommy, can I lick the bowl? Shut up and flush the toilet!
Mommy, Mommy! I hate Daddy's guts. Shut up kid and keep eating.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with Grandma? Shut up kid, you dug her up twice last week!
Mommy, Mommy! Why am I so ugly? Shut up kid and comb your face.
Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner? Shut up and get back in the oven!
Mommy, Mommy!! What's a lesbian? Go ask your father, she'll know.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I wear a bra now? I'm 16.. Shut up, Albert....
Mommy, Mommy, I hate tomato soup! shut up son, we only have it once a month!
Mommy, Mommy! Sally won't come skipping with me. Don't be cruel dear, you know it makes her stumps bleed.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls! Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon! Shut up and close the coffin!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked! Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup! Shut up, we only have it once a month.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma! Shut up and keep digging.
[multipage=Yo Mama Jokes]
Yo mama so fat God told her he had no room in heaven and the devil said there was no room in hell
Yo Mama so fat her BMI is measured in acres.
Yo Mama so fat when she went to the movies she sat next to everyone
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"
Yo mama so stupid she tried to put her m&ms in alphabetical order.
Yo mama so stupid she put paper on the television and called it paper view
Yo mama so stupid she went to the orthodontist to get a blue tooth
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a mattress store and sleep on the floor
Yo mama so stupid she thinks taco bell is a mexican phone company
Yo mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!
Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!
Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her
[multipage=Yo Mama Jokes 2]
Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle.
Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
Yo mama has one hand and a Clapper.
Yo mama has green hair and thinks she's a tree.
Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.
Yo mama has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.
Yo mama has a glass eye with a fish in it.
Yo mama has a short leg and walks in circles.
Yo mama has a short arm and can't applaude.
Yo mama has so many freckles she looks like a hamburger!
Yo mama has three fingers and a banjo.
Yo mama has a wooden leg with a kickstand on it.
Yo mama has a bald head with a part and sideburns.
Yo mama has a wooden leg with branches.
Yo mama has so many teeth missing, it looks like her tounge is in jail.
Yo mama so skinny her nipples touch.
Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
Yo mama so skinny she has to hold herself above the toilet for fear of falling in.
Yo mama so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.
Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!
Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.
[multipage=Yo Mama Jokes 3]
Yo mama head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.
Yo mama head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.
Yo mama so poor when I went to rob her house i went in the front door and tripped out the back.
Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!
Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
Yo mama so poor she drives a peanut.
Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
Yo mama so poor she has the ducks throw bread at her! Submitted by
Yo mama so poor she uses curtains as blankets!
Yo mama so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon.
Yo mama so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.
[multipage=The End]
Hey i Hope you liked this thread as much as i did
Please Thank and nominate if you liked it.
Dabbi.
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