Post: 7 Ridiculously Over The Top Modifications to Deadly Weapons
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02-23-2011, 08:31 PM
#1
ohDetox
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Starts With:
The AR-15, an assault rifle which apparently just isn't good enough on its own.
Becomes Ridiculous By:
Attaching a ****ing chainsaw to the barrel. In theory, this provides the AR-15 with a viable melee option in the event that every round in the magazine has missed its intended target. Cracked feels at that point, the chainsaw might as well be an enchurrito.
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To try to prove us wrong, the creator has posted his weapon on YouTube:
#6.The Wasp Knife Air-Shooting Knife
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Starts With:
A nice, sharp diving knife, designed for hate-killing the living shit out of octopi, sharks, other divers, Snorks and Ursula the Sea Witch.
Becomes Ridiculous By:
Adding a gas canister in the handle to inject a basketball-sized wad of freezing cold gas out of the blade, and directly into the object of your stabbing aggression. It's labor-saving technology!
The knife's official website cites many practical applications for the gas-inflation technology, such as floating carcasses to the surface to avoid attracting more predators and punishing disobedient children in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.
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What the website doesn't explain is why anyone would shell out $400 for what amounts to a pointy can of Dust-Off, unless the army finally read all those letters we sent them and are preparing to fight the greatest threat our nation has yet faced: terrorist sharks.
#5.The TAC-15 Machine Gun/Crossbow
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Starts With:
The crossbow, favored weapon of Wookiees and Renaissance Faire nerds everywhere.
Becomes Ridiculous By:
Not being a standalone crossbow. The TAC-15 is designed as an "upper" attachment for the AR-15, a space generally reserved for the portion of the gun that fires bullets.
It appears that the AR-15 is kind of the gun-dweeb's version of Linux: All kinds of modifications can be made to it, but most of them make about as much sense as tying your dick to a roller skate. The AR-15 also happens to be a semi-automatic rifle, which, by the way, is what we invented specifically so we wouldn't have to use crossbows any more.
The website for the TAC-15 offers no logical reason to put the crossbow on top of an assault rifle body, and the best we can come up with is if you also strap a laser or railgun underneath it you'll be set to do battle wherever your time machine lands you.
#4.The AA-12 Fully Automatic Shotgun
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Starts With:
The ever-reliable shotgun.
Become Ridiculous By:
Making that shotgun fully automatic and adding ****ing grenades.
Yes, the AA-12 is fully automatic, capable of firing 300 rounds per minute, and yes, those rounds can be super-sized to grenades. Military Police Systems, who owns the patent on the AA-12--hereafter known as "GigaShotgun"--has been trying to sell the weapon to various militaries for 18 years without much success, presumably due to the divisive nature of their slogan "You can never have too much shotgun."
#3.Knife Guns
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Starts With:
The knife, the sharp object designed for stabbing people when they piss you off.
Becomes Ridiculous By:
Adding firearms, and in one memorable case, brass knuckles.
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Ever since guns were invented, manufacturers have been swirling firearms and knives together like peanut butter and chocolate into ridiculous, half-baked morsels of wretched stupidity. One example is the G.R.A.D. RS1 Knife, which packs five .22 caliber rounds into the handle and apparently is so incredibly unsafe/illegal it doesn't even have an official site, only a collection of YouTube videos:
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#2.Bomb-Covered Bombs a.k.a. Reactive Material
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Starts With:
Your standard bomb. You know, that really explosive thing you drop on people when they piss you off.
Becomes Ridiculous By:
Turning what holds the bomb into a bomb.
The U.S. military is always figuring out ways to kill people more efficiently, and the very blandly named "Reactive Material" is one of their latest ideas. It also happens to redefine the dick move.
Reactive materials work by sticking a nasty explosive compound, such as powdered aluminum, into a coating with something really good at keeping it from blowing the hell up, such as Teflon.
#1.The M-388 "Davy Crockett" Nuclear Bazooka
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Starts With:
The weapon that practically defines overkill: the bazooka.
Becomes Ridiculous By:
Sticking a nuclear warhead on it.
The Davy Crockett already seems like the most counter-intuitive weapon ever invented--a short-range, radioactive bomb for soldiers to use on the ground amounts to little more than a "self destruct" button--but it gets a lot more stupid with the details
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Designed during the Cold War as a defense against Soviet ground expansion in Europe, the weapon had absolutely zero accuracy. Its three-man firing team would just kind of point it towards the nearest battalion of Commies and pull the trigger, hopefully not while downwind. The M-388 only had an effective firing range of about two and a half miles, and laid a cloud of lethal radiation for a quarter-mile around its blast radius.
So, odds were pretty good the three-man firing crew wouldn't get to use their bayonets made out of uranium.
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