#16.
The "Guardian Angel" Acupuncture Device



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[ame=https://www.amazon.com/Dr-Yoo-SJH-203A-Guardian-Angel/dp/B000Q2ULMY/ref=tag_stp_s2_edpp_url]Link[/ame]



Yeah, I know, sex toy jokes, right? Fortunately Amazon reviewers turn out to be more creative than you and I:


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Bizarrely so:


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By the way, the product description claims it's a Korean acupressure device. You roll it around on your hand and it cures your arthritis or something. That actually leads me to quote one more review:


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All right, I guess there was room for at least one good sex toy joke.

#15.
Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk




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[ame=https://www.amazon.com/Mobile-Office-WM-01-Laptop-Steering/dp/B000IZGIA8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=automotive&qid=1258656009&sr=8-1-spell]Link[/ame]


This is a laptop desk that attaches to the steering wheel of your car, which is all that really needs to be said. But, of course, Amazon reviewers take pointing out what's wrong with it to the next level.


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I should point out that, when we're done laughing at the stories of people mixing cocktails and eating chili while driving, there are some people who might actually get some use out of this when their car is safely parked. People like claims adjusters or real estate agents, who have to drive from client to client without returning to the office and need to do paperwork in the parking lot.


Not to be a wet blanket and say you can't cut lines of coke during a high-speed chase once in a while. Just do it responsibly.

#14.
Uranium Ore




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[ame=https://www.amazon.com/Images-SI-Inc-Uranium-Ore/dp/B000796XXM/ref=tag_stp_s2_edpp_url]Link[/ame]


This is just your average can of uranium ore (well, the store that sells it also sells Geiger counters, UFO/ESP detectors and a camera for taking pictures of psychic auras, so take that as you will). So you've got your standard, "It mutated all the ants in my house!" reviews, but the best ones here are the ones you didn't see coming. Like this:


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Or you can just enjoy this Back to the Future reference.


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The title's all you need from that one.

#13.

How To Avoid Huge Ships



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[ame=https://www.amazon.com/Avoid-Huge-Ships-John-Trimmer/dp/0870334336/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top]Link[/ame]


Owners of small boats sometimes end up in the path of large shipping vessels due to not paying attention to shipping etiquette and rules, so sure, it's something people might need to read up on. Still, as you can imagine, the title of this one sent the sarcasm meter into the red:


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As if that wasn't enough, Madeleine B. piles on an additional layer of sarcasm icing on the sarcasm cake:


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What's it like to be so perfect, indeed.

#14 Playmobil Security Check Point



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[ame=https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0002CYTL2?ie=UTF8&tag=madver1-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0002CYTL2]Link[/ame]


This toy is a model of a security checkpoint at an airport, with the same luggage x-ray and metal detector that has been standard in U.S. airports since the 1970s. Naturally, most reviewers use this as a launching pad for diatribes against the U.S. government and the "police state" represented by the new controversial full-body scanners:


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OK, that might be kind of a ha-ha satire of people who overreact to toys or something. I'm sure they don't really think that airport security belongs in the same category as waterboarding.



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I cut it off there because this guy wrote a whole ****ing essay about our police state and what's wrong with airport security and how the system favors the rich and something about Guantanamo. I think he started out planning to write a joke about how thanks to some interesting timing, a previously innocent toy for kids now reminds people of a current controversy and then remembered how much he hated the TSA and started writing a Letter to the Editor.


I'm not joking when I say it's an essay, here's what the whole thing looks like.


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"But wait," you might say, "I agree with that guy and find his stupid essay funny and enlightening. Can't a person make a political point and also get it across humorously, even if you disagree with him?"


Sure, but it wouldn't look like that. It would probably look something like this.


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You can thank Amazon reviewer John T. Thompson for that.

#13.
Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable




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[ame=https://www.amazon.com/Denon-AKDL1-Dedicated-Link-Cable/dp/B000I1X6PM/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top]Link[/ame]


If you are any kind of tech person you probably know You must login or register to view this content.. There is nothing more highly marked up and full of bullshit technobabble buzzwords than TV or computer cables in an electronics store. In a field of bullshitters, this cable was a bullshit medalist, though, with an original list price of $500, for a five-foot ethernet cable. Tech geeks tore it to pieces.


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As you can see, the bitingly sarcastic reviewers were remarkably balanced. Not only did they talk about the cable's miraculous benefits, but were open about the dangers of such amazing technology:


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I'm actually a little scared now.

#12.

Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass Kit



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[ame=https://www.amazon.com/Laparoscopic-Gastric-Bypass-DYNJS0303-Each/dp/B000WCW4FK/ref=tag_stp_s2_edpp_url]Link[/ame]


For whatever reason, some people do sell medical supplies on Amazon that only a doctor should be using. Like [ame=https://www.amazon.com/Power-High-Low-Exam-Table-MDR751700/dp/B000K6TGRW/ref=sr_1_1?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1292742038&sr=1-1]this exam table[/ame]. I hope to God that it's only doctors that are buying these things, anyway. Still, reviewers had a field day:


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#11.
Mysterious "Parent Child Testing Product"




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[ame=https://www.amazon.com/Parent-Child-Testing-Product-Pack/dp/B002A6HXL6/ref=pd_sbs_hpc_2]Link[/ame]


Amazon users do their best to answer the question on everyone's mind: "What the hell is this?"


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Sure, I could tell you what the deal is with this listing but that would be like explaining how Santa could never get to every child's house in one night. Isn't there little enough wonder left in the world without taking this away?



#10 Bic Crystal Ballpoint Pen, Medium Point, Black



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Amazon.co.uk brings us some of that trademark dry British "humour" (it is like "humor" but metric) in a whopping 224 reviews of [ame=https://www.amazon.co.uk/Bic-Crystal-Ballpoint-Medium-Point/dp/B000JTOYLS?tag=httpembedly-20]an ordinary Bic ballpoint pen[/ame].


Satire is out in full swing as reviewers skewer the digital age with fairly fresh takes on the "this generation doesn't remember how pens work" joke.


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As good as some pointed social commentary can be, however, sometimes a person just likes to see a couple of penis jokes.


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#9.
Elephant Camouflage Kit



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Those of you who care about things like "reality" and "truth" probably want to know if this is [ame=https://www.amazon.com/Proporta-Elephant-Camouflage-Kit-NEW/dp/B003XDZNK8/ref=tag_stp_s2f_edpp_amazon15es]an actual product[/ame] because you have lost your sense of childlike wonder. Fine. Proporta is a real company that makes mostly electronic accessories. For "humour" purposes (they are also British), they've listed this fake product [ame=https://www.proporta.com/F02/PPF02P05.php?t_id=1258&t_mode=des]on their own website[/ame] for about $1.5 million, and when they ported their store to Amazon, that product got put up too.



Which is good news for us because that means it's open to Amazon user reviews, from good old straight-up sarcasm:


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To some fine elephant dong jokes (that's the censored word there, if you live in a bubble):


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#8.
Nuclear Duct Tape (Slate Blue)



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Official name: [ame=https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000NG3ZKI/]3M 8979N Performance Plus Nuclear Duct Tape, Slate Blue 48mm Wide x 54.8M Long[/ame]



You're probably wondering what is so "nuclear" about this duct tape, and if it's really that important that it's slate blue. Well, yes. According to the product description: "The slate blue color makes it ideal for use in nuclear tape facilities and it is certified for low leachable halogens and sulfur."


Apparently people who only use it to block low leachable halogens and sulfur are unambitious pussies because Amazon reviewers really seem to be getting 110 percent out of this tape.


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#7.
English Grammar for Dummies



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And finally, did you realize that one ethnic group that it's still [ame=https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0764553224/ref=cm_rdp_product_img]totally OK to caricature[/ame] for humor purposes is Russians? I'm just saying, get 'em in while you still can.



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#6.
Male Testicular Exam Model Anatomy



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Yep. That is [ame=https://www.amazon.com/Male-Testicular-Exam-Model-Anatomy/dp/B0006TYJV6/ref=tag_stp_s2f_edpp_amazon15es]a rubber scrotum[/ame]. Before you pull out your credit card, it's currently going for about $150, and it comes with realistic tumors built in to train people how to check for tumors of the balls. Reviewers have found more uses though:


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Meanwhile, it seems like its intended use is problematic for the non-professional:


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And finally, Timothy has a practical cost-benefit analysis:


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Just as an aside, the price being $151 now, that's only 302 fondles a month you'll need to reach that value target.

#5.
The Daddle




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Dads, do you like to give your children piggyback rides but don't find it creepy enough? How about [ame=https://www.amazon.com/Child-Saddle-Daddy-Daddle-Toy/dp/B003EWECSC/ref=tag_stp_s2f_edpp_amazon15es]an actual saddle[/ame]? The kind you would put on a horse?


And there's no reason it only needs to go on dads. It can be used to evoke an uncomfortable feeling of misogyny just as well as it can evoke inappropriate images of adult-child contact.


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Wandrwoman, clearly an experienced equestrian, has some practical tips:


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#4.
American Flag Pants




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These pants were clearly designed for people with [ame=https://www.amazon.com/O500-Otomix-Baggy-Workout-Pants/dp/B000LKLN28/ref=tag_stp_s2f_edpp_amazon15es]a love of America[/ame] and a hatred of fashion. Or, you know, Napoleon Dynamite fans.


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How many reviews were entirely Napoleon Dynamite quotes? you might wonder, and the answer is six. Out of 28. Let's pass those and move on to:



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Sorry, French people, we are never going to let that go. On a different tack, there's this guy:


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I cut that off right there because he went on to quote the You must login or register to view this content..


There is definitely a lot to think about there, like: "The flag should be hoisted briskly and lowered ceremoniously (section 6b)," and the section about how to display it at half-mast.

#3.
A Million Random Numbers



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So once you get past the initial, "what a stupid book" impression, I'll tell you that once upon a time, when there were no computers, people needed random numbers generated for experiments and shit. So they actually looked in [ame=https://www.amazon.com/Million-Random-Digits-Normal-Deviates/dp/0833030477/ref=tag_stp_s2f_edpp_amazon15es]a book to get those numbers[/ame].


Anyway, we have computers now. So it's time to go back to sarcastically making fun of how useless this book is.


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This one might take a little while to get, or maybe I'm just slower than you are:


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Probably the most interesting phenomenon is that most of the recent reviews have themselves been random about completely different books or products. Whether this is a database glitch or people trying to be really meta in their reviews, it's pretty neat to be looking for random number jokes and then find:


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