Post: Stereotypical Gamers
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03-14-2011, 03:05 AM
#1
420
Kush Friendly
I did not write this, all credit goes to You must login or register to view this content.
[multipage=Male Gamers]
Frat Boys
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Usually plays: Halo 3, Guitar Hero 3
Favorite snacks: Brewskies, pizza, passed-out sorority chicks
It's hard to tell when these douche bags are actually playing a game as they're just as likely to yell "Score!" for a C-minus term paper or a well executed date rape as they are a Madden field goal. Their celebrations are somehow simultaneously chauvinistic and homoerotic, and no accomplishment is too meager to warrant a Pabst shotgun or chest bump.These ravenous consumers of all things sequel and all things licensed are the undiscerning gamers that lazy publishers wish we all were. Storytelling will be largely overlooked for any kind of multiplayer. Rightly so, since rowdy bro-on-bro competition is the perfect excuse to loudly regurgitate Will Ferrell quotes and call each other "gay" without addressing the thick fog of sexual tension which permeates their Neolithic rituals and ignorant world views.
RPG Snobs
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Usually plays: Any RPG and/or "something you wouldn't understand"
Favorite snacks: Dhalmel pie, Bland grilled shark fin (STA +1)
We relish any chance to talk shop about our favorite hobby with fellow gamers, except when we're confronted by one of these - a hyperventilating nerdlinger who looks at us like we're farting Philistines for wanting to pull off the occasional headshot or kickflip. With so much time spent indoors, they don't understand how low on the social ladder they rank, and how little the cultural impact of a spell-casting cat-person in a buckled leotard matters to anyone. We'd rather hang out with the ghost of Adolf Hitler then hear about the finer nuances of Lady Yuna's Tickle Summon.
Usurping the Throne of Snobbery from the once mighty record store employee, they've also donned themselves with some kind of omniscient Gate Keeper status, using their false sense of authority to talk unsubstantiated shit about anything you can't import from Japan.
Non-existent gamers
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Usually plays: Family friendly fun-fests
Favorite snack: Organic rice cakes
These are not real people. They are illusions created by marketers and portrayed by models and actors. Their cultural backgrounds are ambiguous, but their physical characteristics are diverse enough to indicate that gamers of any age, gender and ethnicity can enjoy the associated product. It's clear that they live in an upper middle class suburb and enjoy paying taxes, eating at Applebee's, and repressing dark childhood memories.
We've never actually met this tailor-made multicultural family - this jovial concoction which gathers around the plasma TV with Grandma and the kid from next door to enjoy a game of Mario Party, give each other high-fives and drink Kool-Aid. We hope we never do.
PC Elitists
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Usually plays: Counterstrike, WoW, Starcraft
Favorite snack: Bawls
These well-to-do social misfits point their pimply, upturned noses squarely in the direction of the millions of folks who own and enjoy consoles. We've got no problem with PC gamers in general, but the elitist punks we refer to won't let us enjoy anything other than PC games without giving us hulking mouthfuls of wretched snark.
Don't bother reasoning with them; they'll simply LOL you to pieces and snidely proclaim that you "just don't get it." That may be true, but you can take solace in what you do get: laid, for one. And probably exercise.
Refrain from pointing out that with the chunk of change they dropped prepping their rig for a nonexistent title, they could've bought any next-gen console they pleased and an ass load of great games... including most of the ones they've busted many a nut over on the PC.
Devil children
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Usually plays: Pokemon, Naruto, Halo
Favorite snacks: Pop Tarts, dirt
If children are the future, we hope a cataclysmic seismic event topples our office and crushes us all under 360 power bricks. Sure, there are inspiring children out there who volunteer at geriatric hospitals and show disillusioned war vets that innocence still exists in a mad world, but the ones we're most aware of are the snot-nosed demons who vomit obscenities into their XBL headsets, abuse their parents, and probably torture orphaned one-legged kittens in their spare time. At least one out of ten of these sociopaths will grow up to kill a prostitute with the pointy end of a DS stylus, and who's to blame?
We blame the stagnation of natural selection. They'd have already been consumed by a harsh and unforgiving environment were it not for the Styrofoam padded, sugar-coated funhouse we live in today. Technology and civilization keeps them alive, and the only acceptable recourse we're left with is the unsatisfying act of assassinating them in Halo 3. It'll have to do.
The "takes-it-too-far" Guy
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Usually plays: The same game since 1992
Favorite snack: Zoloft, Paxil, Effexor
This stereotype doesn't describe just your average cosplayer or collectable enthusiast. This is the fellow who recreated the deck of the starship Enterprise in his living room so that he could further remove his deteriorating ego from reality and transplant himself into the mind of someone with an actual sense of self-worth (Captain Picard, not Kirk, that rube).
Anyone who bought Steel Battalion and its requisite 150-something dollar controller is getting close, but to truly be considered an example of this pathetic stereotype, you'd have to disassemble the controller and carefully install each bit into a plywood replica of a mecha portrayed in your favorite Anime series, or a fanfic based on it, which you wrote, had signed by the Japanese and English voice actors, and keep in a glass case next to a cheesy fantasy sword replica which you call "The Immortal Blade."
Obsessed forum guys
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Usually plays: Nothing
Favorite snacks: Cheetoos, Doritos, Fritos
An eternally toggled caps lock isn't an accident - it's a state of mind. It's absolute contempt for decent conversation, and often even the topic of conversation. Not only does the obsessive forumite not like games, he doesn't play them. If he did, he wouldn't have time to rant about how shitty they are in asinine forum threads.
This stereotypical internet outcast rarely makes himself visible to the actual world, so we can only guess at his physical qualities. The lack of sunlight and any foodstuffs not wrapped in plastic has likely atrophied his muscles and turned the hue of his complexion to a putrid yellow. Dead skin from the bridge of his nose has become encrusted on the pads of his LensCrafter glasses, creating a thick sludge that occasionally drops bits of filth into his already crumb-infested keyboard. If it weren't for his mom insisting that he let her do his laundry, he'd never remove his favorite Akira t-shirt, which features streams of rotting Red Bull running through valleys of caked-on Cheetoo dust.
This stereotype is easy to avoid if you stay out of forums and comment threads, but who the hell wants to do that?
You must login or register to view this content.
Usually plays: Halo 3, Guitar Hero 3
Favorite snacks: Brewskies, pizza, passed-out sorority chicks
It's hard to tell when these douche bags are actually playing a game as they're just as likely to yell "Score!" for a C-minus term paper or a well executed date rape as they are a Madden field goal. Their celebrations are somehow simultaneously chauvinistic and homoerotic, and no accomplishment is too meager to warrant a Pabst shotgun or chest bump.These ravenous consumers of all things sequel and all things licensed are the undiscerning gamers that lazy publishers wish we all were. Storytelling will be largely overlooked for any kind of multiplayer. Rightly so, since rowdy bro-on-bro competition is the perfect excuse to loudly regurgitate Will Ferrell quotes and call each other "gay" without addressing the thick fog of sexual tension which permeates their Neolithic rituals and ignorant world views.
RPG Snobs
You must login or register to view this content.
Usually plays: Any RPG and/or "something you wouldn't understand"
Favorite snacks: Dhalmel pie, Bland grilled shark fin (STA +1)
We relish any chance to talk shop about our favorite hobby with fellow gamers, except when we're confronted by one of these - a hyperventilating nerdlinger who looks at us like we're farting Philistines for wanting to pull off the occasional headshot or kickflip. With so much time spent indoors, they don't understand how low on the social ladder they rank, and how little the cultural impact of a spell-casting cat-person in a buckled leotard matters to anyone. We'd rather hang out with the ghost of Adolf Hitler then hear about the finer nuances of Lady Yuna's Tickle Summon.
Usurping the Throne of Snobbery from the once mighty record store employee, they've also donned themselves with some kind of omniscient Gate Keeper status, using their false sense of authority to talk unsubstantiated shit about anything you can't import from Japan.
Non-existent gamers
You must login or register to view this content.
Usually plays: Family friendly fun-fests
Favorite snack: Organic rice cakes
These are not real people. They are illusions created by marketers and portrayed by models and actors. Their cultural backgrounds are ambiguous, but their physical characteristics are diverse enough to indicate that gamers of any age, gender and ethnicity can enjoy the associated product. It's clear that they live in an upper middle class suburb and enjoy paying taxes, eating at Applebee's, and repressing dark childhood memories.
We've never actually met this tailor-made multicultural family - this jovial concoction which gathers around the plasma TV with Grandma and the kid from next door to enjoy a game of Mario Party, give each other high-fives and drink Kool-Aid. We hope we never do.
PC Elitists
You must login or register to view this content.
Usually plays: Counterstrike, WoW, Starcraft
Favorite snack: Bawls
These well-to-do social misfits point their pimply, upturned noses squarely in the direction of the millions of folks who own and enjoy consoles. We've got no problem with PC gamers in general, but the elitist punks we refer to won't let us enjoy anything other than PC games without giving us hulking mouthfuls of wretched snark.
Don't bother reasoning with them; they'll simply LOL you to pieces and snidely proclaim that you "just don't get it." That may be true, but you can take solace in what you do get: laid, for one. And probably exercise.
Refrain from pointing out that with the chunk of change they dropped prepping their rig for a nonexistent title, they could've bought any next-gen console they pleased and an ass load of great games... including most of the ones they've busted many a nut over on the PC.
Devil children
You must login or register to view this content.
Usually plays: Pokemon, Naruto, Halo
Favorite snacks: Pop Tarts, dirt
If children are the future, we hope a cataclysmic seismic event topples our office and crushes us all under 360 power bricks. Sure, there are inspiring children out there who volunteer at geriatric hospitals and show disillusioned war vets that innocence still exists in a mad world, but the ones we're most aware of are the snot-nosed demons who vomit obscenities into their XBL headsets, abuse their parents, and probably torture orphaned one-legged kittens in their spare time. At least one out of ten of these sociopaths will grow up to kill a prostitute with the pointy end of a DS stylus, and who's to blame?
We blame the stagnation of natural selection. They'd have already been consumed by a harsh and unforgiving environment were it not for the Styrofoam padded, sugar-coated funhouse we live in today. Technology and civilization keeps them alive, and the only acceptable recourse we're left with is the unsatisfying act of assassinating them in Halo 3. It'll have to do.
The "takes-it-too-far" Guy
You must login or register to view this content.
Usually plays: The same game since 1992
Favorite snack: Zoloft, Paxil, Effexor
This stereotype doesn't describe just your average cosplayer or collectable enthusiast. This is the fellow who recreated the deck of the starship Enterprise in his living room so that he could further remove his deteriorating ego from reality and transplant himself into the mind of someone with an actual sense of self-worth (Captain Picard, not Kirk, that rube).
Anyone who bought Steel Battalion and its requisite 150-something dollar controller is getting close, but to truly be considered an example of this pathetic stereotype, you'd have to disassemble the controller and carefully install each bit into a plywood replica of a mecha portrayed in your favorite Anime series, or a fanfic based on it, which you wrote, had signed by the Japanese and English voice actors, and keep in a glass case next to a cheesy fantasy sword replica which you call "The Immortal Blade."
Obsessed forum guys
You must login or register to view this content.
Usually plays: Nothing
Favorite snacks: Cheetoos, Doritos, Fritos
An eternally toggled caps lock isn't an accident - it's a state of mind. It's absolute contempt for decent conversation, and often even the topic of conversation. Not only does the obsessive forumite not like games, he doesn't play them. If he did, he wouldn't have time to rant about how shitty they are in asinine forum threads.
This stereotypical internet outcast rarely makes himself visible to the actual world, so we can only guess at his physical qualities. The lack of sunlight and any foodstuffs not wrapped in plastic has likely atrophied his muscles and turned the hue of his complexion to a putrid yellow. Dead skin from the bridge of his nose has become encrusted on the pads of his LensCrafter glasses, creating a thick sludge that occasionally drops bits of filth into his already crumb-infested keyboard. If it weren't for his mom insisting that he let her do his laundry, he'd never remove his favorite Akira t-shirt, which features streams of rotting Red Bull running through valleys of caked-on Cheetoo dust.
This stereotype is easy to avoid if you stay out of forums and comment threads, but who the hell wants to do that?
[multipage=Female Gamers]
The "GRRL" Girl
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How they get attention: Doing everything we do, only in their underwear
Where to find them: Interweb netsites, claiming to be Serious Business
Being all sexy and stuff in the context of gaming is always going to be hot, and we will always post pictures of you on our website. We’re not telling you to stop, and we don't hate you, we just think you may need to reconsider your purpose. You are eye candy, and if you want to be perceived as anything else, consider keeping your tongue in your mouth.
The Obsessive Costume Player
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How they get attention: Elaborate, revealing costumes
Where to find them: At conventions, being followed by drooling fanboys
As wonderfully wonderful as you look in that costume, we wonder just how much reward there is for dressing up as already objectified female characters and being mobbed by overeager photographers.
We know playing dress-up can be fun (we do understand the concept of Halloween), and we aren’t complaining about seeing you pose in pleather, but there really must a better way to express yourself.
You may argue that everyone is entitled to whatever form of expression he or she likes without criticism, but that would be a very boring point of view.
The "Yeah I'm a girl, but I'll kick your ass!" Girl
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How they get attention: By calling attention to their hardcoreness
Where to find them: Competitive gaming tourneys, LAN parties
You aren’t a typical “girl gamer.” You play Counterstrike! You compete in tournaments! You have stupid nicknames like Calyber and Pyra! You’re sponsored by Ubisoft, which has never exploited the male dominated gaming press' affinity for attractive ladies by playing up their looks.
Maybe we just dislike "professional gaming" personalities in general. Cut the cutesy codenames and faux athletic personas, and while we'll continue to not give a shit what you do, we'll be less irritated.
The Clueless Japano-phile
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How they get attention: By being nerdier than thou
Where to find them: Browsing manga at your local bookstore
You: Desu desu desu! =^-^=
GR: Hey, you know a Japanese word. No, we don’t want to talk about Final Fantasy VII, Tales of Symphonia, or your favorite Bishōnen.
You: ur so kawaii!!! ~~~ ^-^-^-^-^-^~~~~!!!!
GR: Go write a fanfic, tool.
The "Tries to like games" Girl
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How they get attention: By failing every song in Rock Band
Where to find them: Tagging along with your friends
We commend you for trying to be interested in your friends’ hobby, and we know they should probably pay more attention to you, but either let them have their fun, or actually be into gaming. If you’re just feigning interest to be liked, you’ll inevitably become a nuisance and accidently delete your boyfriend’s saved games, and he'll snap at you, and you’ll yell at him for wasting all his time on stupid games, and then he’ll yell at you for making him see Mamma Mia! (which you only wanted to see because you like Abba, and how were you supposed to know it would suck?), then you’ll both be miserable and feeling like assholes. So keep your hobbies to yourselves.
The Casually Casual
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How they get attention: By hogging your PC or Wii
Where to find them: In your living room at 4 AM with an empty bottle of wine
These offenders will spend 8 consecutive hours on your computer playing Peggle, and still refuse to admit that they have a problem. We really don't care if they prefer playing games with virtually no challenge, and spend far too much time playing them, we just wish they'd buy their own systems and quit asking us to "make it go" when the computer thing breaks.
To be fair, not all casually addicted gamers are women, but that's the market and overall perception.
The Celebrity Gamer
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How they get attention: By being paid to get attention
Where to find them: Commercials
We really don't need to say much about Carrie Underwood playing Nintendogs. We can just show it to you.
The following 5 users say thank you to 420 for this useful post:
03-14-2011, 03:25 AM
#5
The Open Minded
☮✌Peace Maker✌☮
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