(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); One of my neighbours caught me staring at her breasts the other day.

"Do you want a picture, you pervert?" she said.

Me: "No thanks, I've got hundreds already"
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'What do you like more?', my wife said, 'Christmas or sex'
'Christmas of course!' I replied.
'Why is that?', she asked
'Because that happens more often!', I said.
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I had to ring the wife today:
"The baby swallowed a battery from the remote! What should I do?"
"Ring 999 immediately!" she screamed, so I did.
"Hello, emergency services... which service do you require?"
"Not sure...the telly's stuck on Sky Atlantic."
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My wife just walked in on me in an uncompromising situation.

I said, "Before you start, it's not what it looks like."

She said, "Oh thank goodness, 'cause from here it looks like you were masturbating with a finger up your arse and a pair of my knickers on your head."

I said, "Well what do you know, I guess It is what it looks like."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I nearly got hit by a woman driving a car this morning, but luckily I jumped out of the way just in time.

Into the road.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I went to church and sat in the confession box, then spoke regretfully of how I had committed terrible acts of paedophilia.

"Why are you telling me this, Father?" said the woman.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really," I replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...

As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

i really didnt find any of these that amusing nor funny, My sense of humor might suck though....

Depends, these are english jokes, American's probably won't find them funny