(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); So that's been a few weeks and I'm not sure if I can righteously call it Week 5 anymore... passed! So...I guess we'll call it Week 11?

Week 11 Winner - Sex!

I can live with that.

Okay...so sex...now where do I start. Gosh, do I have to explain it to you, son? Where's your mother?

Okay...where do I start.

I guess...

[multipage=What is it]
What is sex?

Well, you see, kid, sex is a thing that two... uh, consenting adults, who are always very much in love, and always of the opposite gender... well, actually, I suppose you could both be boys and do it. I mean men, not boys, you have to be men.

Or girls? Or a boy and a girl. Man and a girl! Wait, no! Forget I said that. Woman! Man and a woman! Or woman and woman, I won't judge.

Where was I going with this?

So the man and man or woman and woman or man and woman or a woman and a man get together, well, I guess that's really the same thing, man and woman and woman and man.

Anyway, the man and woman or woman and man... well, you get what I mean. Anyway, they really really love each other, and lie down on a big bed, or sometimes the floor, or kitchen table, or dirty futon after watching the Racketeer, or midtown tunnel and they... uh... take off all their clothes.

Well, sometimes all their clothes. You could leave your shirts on. The shirt is really an optional thing. You don't need to take it off, but, I mean, that's really half the fun of sex. No one really has sex not to look at boobs, am I right, son? Am I right? C'mon, gimme five.

Right?

[multipage=When to have it]
How do you know whether to have sex?

Okay, so you have the girl-WOMAN, or man! so you have the (wo)man's pants off, and maybe their shirt too, and you say to them "Hey, maybe I think we should have sex now?"

It's a reasonable question to ask, right? It's been six dates already, you've already rounded second on the last date and you figure maybe it's time to throw another bird in the bush, right? Oh, wait, we're not up to that part yet. Shit. I mean- ugh, Christ, why can't your mother explain this to you?

So if she says "Yes! Let's have sex!" then proceed to the next part; if she says "No! Tonight I would rather not have the sex," then abandon all hope. Help them put their clothes back on, take their manacles off, give them some money for a cab and a lollipop for their trouble. Do whatever you have to do to get your shoulda-been sex partner on his/her merry way. You got better things to do, and nobody likes a rapist.

Except, uh, other rapists.

[multipage=What do you do]
So, uh...what do you do during sex?

So...moving away from that.. tangent...let's get back on topic. You're with your, uh, partner, and you're now both completely, or mostly, naked.

So, you take your...uh...p-penis? I mean, you know what a penis is, right? You have one. Look down. There it is. We're all on the same page now, right?

Okay, so you take your penis, and you look at your partner and think "Man, they're really hot. I could really do something with this penis to them right now," and just thinking that will make the penis puff up and get hard with excitement.

If that doesn't work, then just substitute something hotter in your mind. Say, instead of thinking of your partner just lying there; imagine them wearing army boots, a Stahlhelm and making out with two baby pandas. Whatever floats your boat, I'm not here to judge.

So when you're ready, you take your, uh, penis and you...you take it, and you, um. Well, you take it and you...Well, you see, ladies don't have penises. But men do, if you're having sex with a man.

Actually, I've changed my mind. At your age you shouldn't be having sex with men. I'm going back to "boy" from now on. So you're having sex with a boy, or lady, and you certainly can't stick your penis inside...uh...OKAY, just to not complicate things, we're going heteronormative. Sorry if you're gay, but you can just get your grandpa to talk to you about that.

Anyway, girls have...uh...holes instead of penises. It's like God gave women gloves, and men put their hands inside of the gloves, except it's your penis instead of your hand, and the glove is made of meat and smells like Mitchell's fish market. So, like a glove, you put on the glove with your penis, right? Well, it's actually more like a mitten. A meat mitten, right? I really should have thought of a better analogy before I started this.

I'm so sorry. Your mother really should tell you about this part, she's the one with the glove anyway.

[multipage=What can go wrong]
All the bad things that can be



Uh, oh, hi! Go back into the other room and I'll be in shortly to tell you about the rest.



GOD DAMN IT, I SAID GET IN THE OTHER ROOM!



Hey, kid, get in here. Listen to me right now, and I mean this very very seriously, loud and clear: never, ever have sex. Your penis will fall off and you will die. Got it? Good.

Congratulations.. lol.

Yes, I used to do these daily week things and then I had some problems in life and about 6 weeks were magically skipped. I'll try to get back into it but there is no guarantee I am afraid.

What did I just read? I'm beyond confused right now.

A guide to sex for kids. And does the zombie walking dead bitch count as nudity in your signature :lol: