The unOfficial Chuck Norris Joke Thread

If you have any additional Chuck Norris jokes that aren't here Reply them and ill add them.


Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.



Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim.

This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm …

… indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris’ favorite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris.

The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
Cancel rating

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer.


This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.