In an exclusive, behind closed doors demo with Hardcasual this evening, Microsoft revealed exclusive new details on the exciting developments that their motion-sensing Natal controller will offer players.

“Just because we’re trying to open up our games to a whole new range of consumers doesn’t mean we’re going to start alienating the hardcore. We’re still considering our Xbox Live users as we develop games for Natal - and we’re going to offer them the experience they’ve come to count on,” said a Microsoft rep.

“When we assembled a focus group of Xbox Live players, they immediately asked for one feature we hadn’t even considered - in-depth tracking of the groin area, for post-kill celebrations. We were proud to help them find a new revolutionary way to teabag - and believe me, these ain’t no waggle controls.”

A member of their focus group spoke with us about his input. Going by KILLA_KILLA_420, the young man released the statement: “**** U HOE U SHOULD SUCK MY BALLS HA HA PWN NOOB FAIL”. When asked for further comment, he pointed at his groin and said “JUMP ON THESE NUTS”, then repeatedly incorrectly insulted our racial background and sexual orientation.

Microsoft was quick to point out that these features were still subject to change. When asked about the teabagging feature’s possible consequences in multiplayer games, our rep averted his eyes before confirming our suspicions. “We had one playtesting team accidentally follow through with a teabagging in a multiplayer Natal match. It turns out all of his insults were just transference, and he and COCKPUNCHER_2007 are happily married and living in Iowa now.”
The Natal’s teabagging options are said to be just the start of the new options open to players. Confirmed as “wish list” features for the actual release are taint-flicking, titty-twisting, ball-juggling, the “suck it” motion, air masturbation, and a dramatic dick-slapping.
Price and release date for the Natal have not been confirmed, but it has already been rated “M” by the ESRB.