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Thoughts?

It Look's Ok Its Short And Simple I Like It.

You Should Try Editing Some Intro / Outro Template's In Sony Vegas To get Use To It And Then Try Making a Professional One.

Well, you used an intro template, so that's a bad start.
Different colours in text makes it look unprofessional.
You used 2D text on a 3D based intro...
The text isn't aligned or positioned in the correct place.

So considering it was your first attempt, you didn't really put much effort into it, just downloaded a template, and slapped some text in it.