Hi guys
Probably it's the first time that i want to talk seriously or to have a little "deeper" talk with you, so i will just start talking about my "situation" or problem that affected and still affects me in many ways:

My name is Claudio, i'm 17, i'm from italy and i go to a cooking school as i want to be a cook in the future (or i could get the diploma and then go to college).
You know, there are many types of students in a school, from cool guys who are full of girls around them to the losers that are bit shy, with glasses and probably get bullied.
Well, for fucking bad luck... i'm a sort of loser.
When i joined for the first year the cooking school, the first days everything was good, new classmates seemed to be okay, except one that i saw the second day, one of those 16 years old full of big muscle with the scooter who still didnt know what to do with their life besides warming up the chair and playing games/chatting with the girlfriend.
One day, a fucking saturday, we had 2 hours of gym and then a hour without the teacher, in that hour we were outside the gym talking, when (i dont even remember why or probably don't want to) i said "damn, if i knew that we were about to do nothing today, i would have stayed home and play call of duty black ops". FUCKING MORON.WHY.DID.YOU.FUCKING.SAY.THAT.
At that age i didnt care much of what i said, neither that having porn videos on the phone was bad, no one ever said nothing to me when i was in middle school, everyone did that.
So, that 16 years old guy started calling me "black ops" and everyone always laughed when he was calling me like that.
After a week that motherfucker finds a porno in my phone and puts it with max volume in front of the entire class.
The hell starts here. Being bullied by the guys(that motherfucker often punched and kicked me for no reason at all) and neither the teacher nor the girls did nothing to defend me. For the entire year i was depressed and many times i also thought of committing suicide. No one could have felt the pain i was feeling.
So, june arrives, the school ends and almost all the motherfuckers who bullied me didnt pass. FUCK YEAH, next year will be good! NO SHIT.
Return to school, the girls who were with me the previous year have the good idea of telling to the new classmates the story about the porno and other shit. THAT FUCKING PORNO, THAT. FUCKING. PORNO.
same as the previous year, this time only 2-3 motherfuckers, didnt think about committing suicide once,this time.
So again, June arrives, the school ends but only 1 motherfucker doesnt pass.
God, please. not again.
this time no one talk about me for like a month, then one of the 2 idiots tells to a new classmate(a girl) the thing about the porno. Girl = she tells it to her friends who are in my same class = i'm fucked and the remote hope of finding a girlfriend is gone. this year went a LOT better, almost didnt get bullied at all except some discussions for stupid things with a classmate, and in that amount of time i kind of start noticing the effects of being bullied for almost 3 years.
THIS YEAR, September 2014- still going, is going surprisingly well, not getting bullied by anyone and i'm very friendly with almost the entire class.

now, let's talk about the effects:
I'm very shy and sometimes i don't say what i would like to say because i'm terrified about the thought that all could happen again;
I stutter A LOT;
Every critic to me is like a punch in the stomach, i feel like i'm being bullied;
Panic attacks when i don't know what to do in front of other people because i dont know how they could judge me/when i think about the first years at school.


Personally i wont EVER and never criticize another person if he's fat, ugly, he's shy or other, because i know how he/she could feel bad and that he/she could even commit suicide.
Just an example is that last year a girl of my school commited suicide because she was getting bullied(we all know how cruel girls can be while bullying), and of course no one ever done anything to stop this.

my personality got affected alot by all of this, i still didnt manage to overcome all of this after almost 2 years.
things are getting a bit better for me, and i hope it will get better and better.

Thanks for reading, and see ya :gooby: