(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); It's 2:30AM and again I'm struggling to sleep. I've been feeling like this for about a year now and as stupid, immature and naive as it sounds.. I began feeling this way, and progressive gotten worse as time has gone on, after my ex girlfriend/childhood friend dumped me.

I've always been an odd guy.. looking at pictures of myself in primary school I was always in Metallica/ACDC T shirts and skull hoodies, black jeans with the chain, etc.. Although, in primary school kids are more accepting of different people, I put this down to innocence.. but when I went then to high school I was bullied quite a frequently.. I had long hair which was picked up and quickly snipped off by a guy in my class. Getting Constant dirty looks and being evidently friendless really damaged my confidence and made me become a very private, conservative person. And this was the way life continued for me until 2 years ago when I started going out with a girl I grew up with and for the first time In my life I felt accepted.. comfortable around someone and effective felt like this someone wants to be with me. A feeling i've never had before. My loneliness had come to an end and I was the happiest guy ever... and so in love with my little red head. I was a good boyfriend.. I liked to treat her well and on occasions go all out for her..

this being her christmas presents

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I don't have a lot of money, and i did have to save up for a few months to afford it all, but it was worth it.

Anyway, for the best part of a year I felt more alive and happy than I ever did.
But with every relationship comes arguments and fights.

We didn't usually have an argument over things we didn't see eye-to-eye to but one day we had quite a big argument and she told me these things..

1: I'm not allowed to talk to my friends when i need someone to talk to, i must go to her.
2: I have to be spontaneous all the time
3: struggling to remember....

And i said okay... I kissed her at the bus depot and told her we'd get through it.

I got to my friends house that night and started jamming on guitar and listening to some bon jovi/bmth etc when my phone rang.. It was her, crying.. and she told me it was over..

My world seemed to crash into itself and my friend helped me and stopped me from completely breaking down.

I got home and for 3 days consistently I hadn't stopped crying until I called her and begged her back. Told her i'd change etc and her reply was.. "No, I'm not your lally anymore" (Lally being a nickname for her)

Crushed and heartbroken I knew I had to forget her... and although i was hurt i tried to not isolate myself and become the person i used to be.

2 weeks later i find out she's in a new relationship with none other than my cousin.

there are not words really to describe how i felt at this point. Angry. Violent. Deluded in rage. Even to this day I still am.

I started drinking... heavily. to the point my father pulled me about it and gave off. I even started the disgusting habit of smoking, oddly enough it helped me sleep at night.

Did I do something wrong? Did I mean ANYTHING to her at all? Could I have done better?

Questions like this tarnished my mind and it wasn't long until insomnia stuck and as I tossed and turned night after night I began having suicidal thoughts. Thoughts ranging from... who would find me... to, how could i get a rope up there. After half a year of feeling like this, I had gone to university and saw a notice on the wall for counselling. I emailed them and booked an appointment with a woman called susan. I talked to susan and she gave me a questionnaire afterwhich she told me, "it does look like some form of depression, which is commonly linked to loss". We adviced me to talk to my Doctor.


After a few weeks of consideration I went to the doctor who offered me antidepressants.. which i politely refused.

She told me she'd contact some specialist to see me and today that letter came and I need to make an appointment to see her..

I don't know what i'm getting at here, but I can't seem to move on with my life. I'm like a broken record and it's driving me insane. Can anyone offer any advice? thank you for reading.

Honestly man you didn't do anything wrong. She wanted you to change who you were and control who you went to, that's not healthy at all. My advice to you is only go to the specialist if you really think you should because the help isn't going to work if it's not what you want. And about medication, anti-depressants aren't for everyone, I know I didn't do well on them

If it helps at all, I think I understand what you're going through. My story isn't exactly the same, but if it's any consolation then by all means. I just got out of a relationship that lasted 1 year and 6 months, I was so happy with him (I'm a girl btw) until about a year ago and he changed as a person, wanting me to be and do things that I just wasn't/couldn't do. I'm a very caring person by nature and I always asked him if he needed someone to talk to, wanted to hangout, or even just take an interest in his life. From my understanding, he didn't like it at all and after many pointless arguments about it he basically told me that if I can't do what he asks (leave him alone and backoff, stop asking to hangout, etc) that I should just go. So I did, and I've never felt more alone, depressed, and confused. My mood has been up and down for the past month and I've been going to bed angry and bitter. I still haven't completely moved on, but I know that it was the right decision for me.

So if you want advice, I say do the things you love. You're great at graphics and I think it'd be a good thing to pursue further. The things that help me the most is keeping myself occupied with friends and having a good laugh with them as much as possible in the week. And you deserve better than that girl, someone who appreciates you for you. It'll be tough, not gonna lie there, but it gets easier once you let go of the pain she caused. Remember, there's so much more to give and offer to others in the future, don't focus on the past. Instead, learn from it and next time stay true to yourself and your values. Don't let anyone try to control you as a person.

My "story" is a somewhat similar one. (Might be a long read. Skip to the bottom for the lesson/advice)

I lived in the same place my whole life up until recently, so I had a few friends I grew up with. My relationship with the guys wasn't something to be proud of. We didn't do bad things, we just never really had a bromance type friendship. As with growing up with guy friends, there's always the girl. At the time, I thought she was wonderful (we'll call her Sally). We grew up decently close and as we got older relationships change, people move away, and the adults in our lives (specifically in church) changed.

Me and one the guys (we'll call him Stewart) were the kind you'd consider would stick out for each other. We got closer and eventually did end up having somewhat of a bromance. Simultaneously, I gained two close friends who I trusted and respected. One girl, one guy. Eventually, me and her ended up admittedly having cute little crushes on each other. We flirted and complimented each other often. This grew into a nice little relationship.

I was in a position of someone to be jealous of. Smart, beautiful, girlfriend with good morals. Dad had bought a 2010 Camaro SS I was allowed to drive (when I got my license). Got good grades in school. I always held the highest position I could hold in church (class president in all my classes). I held a starting position on the football team. Life was great. Every morning would begin with us telling each other "love you have an awesome day" and such things. Eventually, things started getting more serious. We started talking about our future together, we ended up planning on leaving home forever to just go live somewhere where we'd be left alone. But as these things happened, we began "sexting". We never got the the nude picture stage of it, thankfully, but there were things we said we'd do to each other in great detail. It started of all rebellious like and cute... Until she decided to tell my friend.

Turns out, she had decided to tell the Bishop of our church about it. This in turn was then brought up to our parents, and a small group of our adult leaders. This then lead to our lessens being centered upon immorality, chastity and such things. I was curious as to why she did this. I questioned her reason, and never got any responses. We eventually parted ways because of the contention.

Months passed of me not talking to anyone, being secluded and just moving about day by day... And then I discovered something that infuriated me beyond words. She had told my closest friend IN DETAIL about the things I said to her, and of course he "loved" her too. He was the one who went and told all the people I know about my private conversations with her. To shorten this post (pretty long and there's still more ) it eventually led to me punching as hole in his front door, and me never speaking to anyone else again. Not even my parents...

Skip ahead a year. My fathers company was expanding to Houston, Texas from our corporate HQ in Tampa, Florida. It started off with us planning to just promote a project manager to "Branch Manager". Things didn't go too well and it resulted in my father (being President) to have transfer out here for our Houston branch to be successful. Life was getting a lot better. I met several new friends and one of them I've grown really close too. I had seen true friendship with my friend who believed in the old ways. Your word was binding and honesty was a treasure.

Another family moved here the same time as we did, and they had some tough struggles where they lived, especially in the relationship department. I quickly befriended them and we did many things together as families. They had two daughters who are the same age as me (ones older, the other younger). I eventually got into, what I believed, was a small relationship with the younger one. We went on dates frequently, I bought her gifts (which I had to save up for also). I would spend several hundred dollars on dates, and sometime more on gifts. We did fun, stupid things together all the time. We had nicknames (im not gonna mention them :p). Hell, I'd read books on chivalry at the times, so I was basically a knight in shining armor (held all doors open, carried her throw water puddles, are with proper etiquette, got her flowers and chocolate all the time). I even showed up in a suit to ask her out the first time. I truly found someone worth it. But then one day, she texted and told me she never once had feelings for me.

"WHAT?!?!?!?" was racing through my mind. So many emotions all at once. Anger, frustration, sorrow, sadness. I paced around my room kicking things, crying. I tried to talk to her and she completely ignored me. She never once cared. Completely emotionless. I eventually came to the conclusion that she had been using me to pay for things to keep her entertained. How could someone do that? Why would someone do that? How on earth can you betray and use someone like that? I would melt inside for eternity if I did that, never to forgive myself. Did I really mean nothing to her? I worked so hard for her to be happy, and she threw it away.

I couldn't handle it. Two times within a year and a half? What was wrong with me? I thought I'd try changing tactics. I was nice and funny as I could possibly be to someone. I worked so desperately to get her back, and she didn't even bat an eyelash. My friend tried to comfort me, but it didn't work. I managed to avoid depression, thankfully, but the heartache was still there.

Eventually my group of friends decided to work on a small project. We wanted to develop a game with me as lead programmer, my best friend as graphic/level designer, and another friend as lead 3D Modeler. That fell through for the time being but we're hoping to pick it back up soon.

I got a job working at my local pizza place tossing dough. I was able to afford more games. The games kept me busy. I've picked up web design and do that in my spare time. I got a ton of computer parts from a friend for me to mess around with. I was a Boy Scout so working on my Eagle Award needed a lot of my time. So many things to keep me busy.

My friend gave me some good advice. Why care? If she wants to leave, then its her loss. Don't speak to her, don't look at her, and don't talk to me about her again. You're awesome, and that's all that matters. Some day there'll be someone worthy of your awesomeness, and it ain't her. It might not be soon, but she'll come around. You just gotta keep looking. Go buy yourself nice things. Spend more time studying the Bible. Take care of yourself, and be awesome. That's how I meet women, and let me tell ya, they fall all over him.

Don't spend all your time worrying about her. She'll only bring you down at this point. Something that helped me was to spend more time at work. Spend more time surrounding yourself with people who you enjoy being around. Continue with graphic designing if its what you want. I'm not saying to go quit your job and do whatever the hell you want, that's stupid advice, but really try to occupy your spare time with things you enjoy. Don't just sit st home and loathe over losing her. That's useless as it'll get you nowhere but dowhill.

I understand money might be an issue for you, but I've got a little I can give someone who needs it. I can send you a gift on amazon or Steam if you'd like. Something small but comforting is my aim.

Stay awesome my friend. :thumbup:

Maybe you should always try and keep busy somehow? Try taking up a musical instrument that could help

Shut your damn whining up, I haven't even had a proper conversation in 5 years let alone any friends, and good riddance, I hate human beings.

It sounds like you need something to keep your mind off of what is bothering you. Play video games. Binge watch netflix. Hang out with friends. Even doing your homework could help (idk if you are still in school). Just something to distract you. You need to just forget. That is what I will do. Whenever I feel that I want more from life I just sit my ass down and watch netflix/play with internet friends. I know these guys better than I know my friends in real life. I have moved a lot and so they have always been there to play with.

Just find a hobby and confide your self into it. Make a goal and make it happen. Be it finish a series on netflix in a week. Or get to max levels on a game. Or get all A's in school. Just make it happen.

Story of my life...except I hadn't dated anyone for 5 1/2 years until "she" came along.
Your story sounds exactly like mine...I'm always that one kid who wears band shirts in school, finally get together with a girl that I've liked for a very long time, we talk about getting married, and then within a week it was over...she started dating my best friend (a girl) the next day.
I was so torn up that night and the next few weeks that I literally couldn't be alone or I would have killed myself. I had to have a friend over every night, as I'd go walking around 1am every night and constantly think about her and every time a car would go by, I was tempted to jump in front of it. I actually did jump in front of 2 cars...one of them swerved and missed me and the other one my friend grabbed me out of the way...
I'd walk for hours on end, blowing off steam, nothing else to do....hoping that that one drunk driver would come along and take my life from me. We had 16,812 messages within the few weeks that we were together. I even wrote a poem about my depression and walking the streets a while back.
Here's the poem..I just kind of wrote down what I felt:

I walk these lonely roads of Coal City at night.
I have for the past few days.
Alone in the darkness.
I'm searching for something, something that doesn't exist.
Or at least I can't seem to find it.
I ask to myself, "Where am I going?"
I don't know.
I don't know how, when, or where.
But I hope that I can get there.

Even months after the breakup I was still extremely depressed and suicidal. I started taking up drinking...drank till all my pains went away...self harm, etc...made me feel worthless. Went to a psychiatrist and went through my story. She diagnosed me with major depression and anxiety, and said I had a border-line personality. She gave me depression and anxiety medication and I've been taking it since...doesn't really help (now 4 months since I started taking them)

Still to this day, I think about her every day and night. The only way I can escape my depression and anxiety is to either blast depressive suicidal black metal or go riding with some friends (on a fourwheeler, three wheeler, or dirtbike)

I know exactly how you feeling now...thats why i has chosen to close my heart and became a cold person.

Never have suicidal thoughts over a woman, they can be complicated, seductive, you never know what can go wrong, at least you weren't cheated on. The fact that she goes out with your cousin means that it was never meant to be, wish your cousin luck with her because she meant a lot to you and she broke up with you which means that she can do the same to your cousin, this type of girls are not good for anyone, but realize that you had stronger feelings for her than she had for you, meaning it was never meant to be and she was no good for you, and she probably didn't realize it and never took your feelings as seriously. Forget about her, don't feel like everything is lost though, there are plenty of more fish in the sea, we lose relationships and become stronger, learn from our mistakes and find a better woman that truly loves us as much as we love them, but you should be glad that you're alive and will be able to do so, again never have thoughts of suicide, when a relationship ends it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger, keep following your dreams and as you do you'll find the right woman. Btw you're very talented in design.

"No, I'm not your lally anymore"

She'd me mine, soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo no.