(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); It's 2:30AM and again I'm struggling to sleep. I've been feeling like this for about a year now and as stupid, immature and naive as it sounds.. I began feeling this way, and progressive gotten worse as time has gone on, after my ex girlfriend/childhood friend dumped me.

I've always been an odd guy.. looking at pictures of myself in primary school I was always in Metallica/ACDC T shirts and skull hoodies, black jeans with the chain, etc.. Although, in primary school kids are more accepting of different people, I put this down to innocence.. but when I went then to high school I was bullied quite a frequently.. I had long hair which was picked up and quickly snipped off by a guy in my class. Getting Constant dirty looks and being evidently friendless really damaged my confidence and made me become a very private, conservative person. And this was the way life continued for me until 2 years ago when I started going out with a girl I grew up with and for the first time In my life I felt accepted.. comfortable around someone and effective felt like this someone wants to be with me. A feeling i've never had before. My loneliness had come to an end and I was the happiest guy ever... and so in love with my little red head. I was a good boyfriend.. I liked to treat her well and on occasions go all out for her..

this being her christmas presents

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I don't have a lot of money, and i did have to save up for a few months to afford it all, but it was worth it.

Anyway, for the best part of a year I felt more alive and happy than I ever did.
But with every relationship comes arguments and fights.

We didn't usually have an argument over things we didn't see eye-to-eye to but one day we had quite a big argument and she told me these things..

1: I'm not allowed to talk to my friends when i need someone to talk to, i must go to her.
2: I have to be spontaneous all the time
3: struggling to remember....

And i said okay... I kissed her at the bus depot and told her we'd get through it.

I got to my friends house that night and started jamming on guitar and listening to some bon jovi/bmth etc when my phone rang.. It was her, crying.. and she told me it was over..

My world seemed to crash into itself and my friend helped me and stopped me from completely breaking down.

I got home and for 3 days consistently I hadn't stopped crying until I called her and begged her back. Told her i'd change etc and her reply was.. "No, I'm not your lally anymore" (Lally being a nickname for her)

Crushed and heartbroken I knew I had to forget her... and although i was hurt i tried to not isolate myself and become the person i used to be.

2 weeks later i find out she's in a new relationship with none other than my cousin.

there are not words really to describe how i felt at this point. Angry. Violent. Deluded in rage. Even to this day I still am.

I started drinking... heavily. to the point my father pulled me about it and gave off. I even started the disgusting habit of smoking, oddly enough it helped me sleep at night.

Did I do something wrong? Did I mean ANYTHING to her at all? Could I have done better?

Questions like this tarnished my mind and it wasn't long until insomnia stuck and as I tossed and turned night after night I began having suicidal thoughts. Thoughts ranging from... who would find me... to, how could i get a rope up there. After half a year of feeling like this, I had gone to university and saw a notice on the wall for counselling. I emailed them and booked an appointment with a woman called susan. I talked to susan and she gave me a questionnaire afterwhich she told me, "it does look like some form of depression, which is commonly linked to loss". We adviced me to talk to my Doctor.


After a few weeks of consideration I went to the doctor who offered me antidepressants.. which i politely refused.

She told me she'd contact some specialist to see me and today that letter came and I need to make an appointment to see her..

I don't know what i'm getting at here, but I can't seem to move on with my life. I'm like a broken record and it's driving me insane. Can anyone offer any advice? thank you for reading.

its 4:21Am and another sleepless night. I had a panic attack the other day when I accidentally saw one of her pictures. Im just back to bed from being sick which came on when, once again, my brain was tarnished in memories with her. I am getting help I have a hospital appointment this friday with a specialist... I cant believe im still this way. She has drained the life right out of me and it feels like I can barely function anyone... :'(

I've been through this stage but for a much shorter time than it seems you have. My kind advice from me to you is that you find a hobby, that keeps your mind off of the bad and onto the good. I know this is basically what's already been said by many others, but what I'm saying is, I've been depressed, almost similar to what happened to you although I lost my best friend. That best friend I lost summers ago is now my girlfriend and we've been together for almost a year. All you need to do is find something to keep your brain occupied, something that will potentially get your mind away from the pain and anger and issues.

Hobbies that may help may include small things like playing video games, building small things, music, getting interested in a book/tv series, etc. Bigger things like a sports team, or a club or something would also help. You need something to look forward too.

Sometimes I feel as if I don't have anyone with me, to talk to, to be my friend. But in reality, after you realize that there is good in life, you start to develop the belief that there is people. I'm a popular kid, don't mistake me for being cocky, but because I am, when I'm not near a lot of friends or not talking to people, I feel so alone, so out of place and so upset. I feel this way because previously I've had no friends and there's been hard times like you're going through.

I'm telling you, take the advice, or at least attempt to, that these people and I are giving you, and hopefully over time you will get better.

From friend to friend, you don't know me, but I'm here to help if I can alright? I've been through this all and I can try to help to the best of my abilities.

Regards,
Gemi

Edit: Also, I know what it's like to lose something that meant so much to you for a reason that's unknown. Don't let it get to you, keep your head up high and eventually you'll find someone that'll treat you better than she did.
And, remember to never let someone change you, no matter how much you like them or how much they mean to you.
If they're attempting to get you to change in ANY WAY, then that's your choice, but it's not true friendship or love if changes need to be made.

Hey, I hope you're somewhat okay. I know this message is a few week after you put yours. But, I've just recently came out of a relationship, I'll not bore you with a story but basically I loved her, she left me for someone else on the day after Christmas and got with someone else a few days after. She broke my heart and I still do have feelings for her, which explains why I'm still up at 3:41 in the morning. I know she's not worth it but you just can't help to feel the same emotions for them. I wasn't ready for the relationship to end, and I can almost guarantee that you wasn't ready for the relationship to end either. I know I have nothing on what you have been through but the exact same happened to me a few year ago as well.

Trust me, I know you're going to blame yourself and think everything was your fault, but it's not man, honestly nothing was your fault. I looked at that picture of the gift you put up, and that was very generous and caring for you to get her those things, especially when you didn't have much money at the time. I get where you're coming from, I was bullied too at School, and also during my first year of College, I used to have long hair at school, and it also doesn't help that I have a minor speech problem too. Which resorted in me being bullied throughout years and years, and it also resorted in me snapping at people and making myself get alienated from other people. I used to go day by day on myself with no friends, and it sucked.

Anyway I'm rambling. But, believe me, nothing was your fault. But me writing that won't stop you from blaming it on yourself. You're going to feel like utter crap for the next few week, month and maybe even years until you find someone better, and trust me you will. You'll find someone who cares about you and respects you and never wants to lose you, and the other girl? She'll just be a bad memory in your head. So, chin up man, it's not going to be easy but trust me, it eventually gets better. Don't do anything stupid, and just give it time, and you will get better. Also, if you need to chat anytime about stuff like this, just send me a PM, you're not going to get through this on yourself. Hope you're alright, I honestly do.

Smoke a blunt and you'll fall asleep real fast.


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